


List of Happiness

by halseam



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor Murphy week, Idk this was weirdly written just like, No romantic subplot but I guess you can view it however you want I kept it pretty vague, i don’t use connors name through the entire things btw, i love him a lot okay I’m so glad this exists, read okay, slight angst, the theme I chose is happiness of course it has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 07:38:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halseam/pseuds/halseam
Summary: There aren’t many things in his life that make him happy.





	List of Happiness

There aren’t many things in his life that make him happy.   
He began noticing it at around eleven years old. Things he had found endless enjoyment in suddenly felt dull and old; toys he would play with every single day we’re thrown into the corner of his room to just collect dust; his friends at school stopped being fun to be around, what with all their relentless teasing of everyone; jokes he would tell; certain music; being able to stay up late on weekends.  
He just kind of stopped being happy one day.   
He didn’t even mean to. It was like his brain just turned off and said ‘no, you’re gonna feel sad and angry all the time now.’ Larry brushing it off as _preteen hormones_ really didn’t help, either.   
And the list of things that made him happy progressively got shorter and shorter, almost as if they weren’t preteen hormones and actual issues he needed to see someone for.   
At fifteen, the List of Happiness, as he likes to call it, shortened to about two things: cats and his own death.   
By now, Cynthia had secretly brought him to get prescription pills to help the List of Happiness get at least a little longer. Secretly because Larry still thought he was putting up a negative façade for attention at school. She quickly found out that wouldn’t go well.   
He still doesn’t know what came over him that afternoon, but he absolutely flipped his shit. He began yelling about how Cynthia just wanted to make him a mindless robot, that she just saw him as a freak like everyone else, that she was trying to, and I quote, ‘fix me so I don’t stay up at night thinking about how I could’ve killed myself that day.’  
She still insisted he tried the pills, maybe even for two weeks. And to that, he agreed but didn’t keep the promise. Every day for two years, he told her he was taking them, when in reality he was just throwing them in the bushes at school or flushing them down the toilet in the morning.   
So when his senior year rolled around, he decided he seriously couldn’t take it any longer. He went to school with his pill bottle and made sure to move as little as possible to not concern anyone. The plan was somewhat perfect: he would go to school just long enough for Zoe not to call the cops, he would ditch and go to the nearest park, and he would swallow the pills and, finally, die.   
But of-fucking-course, someone had to ruin that plan.   
It was just before he was about to leave the school. He decided he wanted to do something good, so at least one person has a good last memory, and Evan Hansen was the perfect person. Sure, he definitely scared Evan, and one good memory would not do shit from both middle and high school, but he decided it was worth a shot.   
He never expected to read that letter, very much less be somehow calmed down by Evan and let him explain it.   
And he never expected to completely forget about the pills.  
Never expected purposefully passing the computer lap everyday, looking for Evan, going out of his way to make small conversation with him, inviting Evan to sit with him during lunch hour, and eventually becoming actual friends with Evan, though he would never admit it at that time.   
And slowly, the List of Happiness turned from a population of two, to three.   
He didn’t expect Cynthia to ask him why he was in such a good mood one December day, and to reply with the fact that he actually made a friend, and Zoe to bud into the conversation, and to not yell at her for snooping. He and Zoe eventually stopped yelling at and genuinely hating each other. They became almost like actual siblings that hang out together and have each other’s back. And by mid February, he counted four things on his List of Happiness.   
The number steadily began to grow, with two more of Evan’s friends tagging along to his and Evan’s outings, actually taking his meds, finding new books to read, new hobbies to take up, new people that didn’t think he was crazy, and just generally feeling good about things in life.   
And cats. Cats really helped.   
By the time graduation came, his List of Happiness was almost back to the amount of things there was when he was ten years old. Sitting in Evan’s living room that night and eating too much pizza and talking with all his friends (and Zoe) in celebration, he took one thing off his List of Happiness.   
His own death.

**Author's Note:**

> Connor Murphy week is from May 27th to June 3rd. Follow @connormurphyweek on tumblr for all the details if you would like to get involved


End file.
